War is never easy
by callie rawston
Summary: Sam/Dylan pairing, plus Zoe. Multi-parter set over the course of one shift at Holby ED. When Sam starts acting strangely both Dylan and Zoe try to get to the bottom of her odd behaviour.
1. The Phone Call

**So here is something slightly different. It has been a long time since I have written a multi-part fic, but this one has caught my imagination. It is very much Sam/Dylan, but with Zoe in a supporting role. I will be updating it with a new short chapter every day this week (have 6/7 parts in total) which will keep me going until Casualty next Saturday!**

**I hope you enjoy - and if you do, reviews are always welcome!**

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><p><strong>War is never easy<strong>

**Chapter 1: The phone call**

**Zoe**

Zoe couldn't help but be grateful that the day was quiet because it had been manic all week. It was a few hours into the shift and they had only had two cases that required any real attention – the old man her and Sam had just stabilised and the woman Dylan was currently working on across resus from them.

She had just about to tell Sam she could go back to cubicles when they had been interrupted by Noel.

"Sam," he called out. "Personal call for you."

Zoe noticed Dylan's ears prick up at this statement and both he and Sam turned to Noel with a bewildered look on their face.

"Do you know who it is?" Sam questioned, but Noel shrugged in response.

"No, he just said it was important that he speak to you straight away," he stated before walking back out towards reception.

When Sam looked back, Zoe waved at her to follow him out and she quickly departed resus. Zoe observed that she glanced over to Dylan before averting her gaze as she left the room, whilst she noted that the man himself hadn't moved from his position since Noel had stated Sam's caller was male. He was standing over his patient, gloved hands halfway through a movement but completely still.

She left her own patient and made her way over to him, bringing him out of his trance. From where they were now stood, Zoe could see his stare fell on Sam in the next door room. Even though they were unable to hear her conversation Zoe could tell Sam was tense from her body position and she appeared to be speaking very little into the phone.

The conversation ended and Sam replaced the handset before turning to look straight at Dylan. For the briefest of moments the depth of feeling in that reciprocated stare made Zoe feel uncomfortable, like she was intruding on a private moment. However quicker than Sam looked towards them, she looked away and left.

As Dylan returned to wordlessly treating his patient, Zoe watched as Sam approached Nick outside of the door and after a brief conversation headed towards the staffroom. A few minutes later she disappeared down the corridor towards the exit with her coat and bag in hand, never once looking up from the ground.

When Nick entered resus a short time later Zoe was busy writing up her own patient's chart ready for his move to Keller.

"Things okay in here?" Nick asked, gesturing to both Zoe and Dylan's patients' simultaneously.

"All under control," Dylan stated simply, to which Zoe nodded an acknowledgement.

Nick smiled before starting to walk away, but as he went to leave the room Zoe spoke, "Have you seen Sam? Is she back in cubicles now?"

Nick frowned slightly before answering, "I assumed she'd already spoken to you. She said something had come up and she needed to pop out for half an hour. From what she said Dr Keogh here agreed to cover for her?"

Dylan looked up at the sound of his name and Zoe saw a look of consternation cross his face.

"Yes. I did. She won't be long I'm sure," came his simple response.

Nick seemed satisfied with that and left, leaving Zoe staring at Dylan slightly gobsmacked. She went to speak but Dylan got in there first.

"Before you say anything," he started. "I'm well aware that Dr Nicholls never asked me to cover for her, but whatever it is must have been important."

"You don't even know who it was that phoned," Zoe stated. "Does she have any family or friends who could have called her?"

"Sam doesn't have anyone," Dylan replied.

Zoe resisted the temptation to add _"except you"_ to that statement and instead focused on finishing her chart. She wrote a few sentences before glancing back up at Dylan again, still intrigued by the dynamic she shared with his ex-wife and his willingness to cover for her regardless. From Dylan's distracted behaviour she could tell he was still wondering about who Sam's call was from, especially given it was important enough for her to leave work immediately afterwards.

Today might be quiet but it had just gotten a whole lot more interesting.

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for reading. Next part will be up tomorrow.<strong>


	2. Missing In Action

**Firstly I just want to say thank you to everyone who has reviewed this - I have never had so many reviews as I have had for chapter one of this and I'm really chuffed with all the compliments! Additionally thank you to those of you who nominated it a favourite story or who put this fanfic on story alert. It means a lot to know you would like to read more. **

**Here is chapter 2 of 7 and as promised I intend to keep adding a chapter each day. Anything to get us through the days between episodes!**

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><p><strong>War is never easy<strong>

**Chapter 2: Missing in action**

**Dylan**

Dylan had been tense for the past forty-five minutes, ever since Noel had interrupted their peaceful work in resus with news of Dr Nicholls having a personal call. He hadn't been joking when he had said to Zoe that she didn't have anyone. She had no family to speak of and had no real friends outside of her work colleagues. His wife had never been the type of person to receive personal calls at work nor was she someone who took breaks from work at short notice. He knew from personal experience that Dr Nicholls rarely even stopped working to take a lunch break, yet today she had taken her belongings and left the department for no known reason.

He had spoken to Noel immediately after his patient had been admitted to the ward and queried whether he knew any information about the caller, but he had only been able to ascertain that the person was male and asked for Sam Nicholls. That in itself had riled Dylan, because outside of work she was Samantha Keogh. The post that arrived at his week in, week out, addressed to Mr and Mrs Keogh was testimony to that. He was both worried and intrigued in equal measure, yet he liked neither of these feelings very much.

Dylan knew she must have her reasons for leaving the department and without questioning it he had covered for her with Nick Jordan. That was also causing him difficulty as prior to Dr Nicholls entering resus to assist Zoe she had been juggling a number of patients in cubicles. These patients had unfortunately included a very difficult eighteen year old girl and her over-bearing parents who were not accepting of that fact that the girl's test results had yet to return from the black hole of the lab.

He was stood looking at the list of patients on the board when Zoe approached and stood beside him. He could tell she wanted to say something, but unusually for her she hadn't just come out and said it. Before he could ask her what she wanted, Tess appeared on his other side.

"Have you seen Sam recently? The patient in cubicle 5 - her parents are asking about some test results."

Dylan knew the look he gave Tess was stern, but he really didn't feel like speaking to those people again. Especially as in his expert opinion their darling daughter was pregnant, which he assumed from their manner they would not see as a positive life choice.

"Can you tell them Dr Nicholls will be with them as soon as returns," he stated curtly. He saw Tess raise her eyebrows at Zoe but she did then return to cubicle 5 to deliver his message.

"Problem is Dr Keogh," Zoe began, "We don't actually know when that will be at the moment do we?"

Dylan was about to answer her, but as he turned away from the board he caught sight of his wife's retreating form as she headed to the staffroom. Whilst a significant part of him was relieved she had finally returned, another part of him knew immediately something wasn't right. His wife was feisty, strong and determined most of the time, but in that one moment she looked particularly small and vulnerable.

Dylan just hoped she still trusted him enough to tell him why.

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><p><strong>Thank you again for reading. As always, reviews are always welcome.<strong>

**Next part will be up tomorrow. **


	3. Odd Behaviour

**Again I would like to start by thanking everyone who has reviewed the last chapter, especially as due to an issue with the website it didn't ever move back up the update list. Weird! So to anyone who missed it, chapter 2 was updated yesterday as promised. **

**I'm glad people think Zoe and Dylan are written in character and that the mysterious phone call is still causing intrigue! I just hope this can be sustained until the end!**

**Here is chapter 3 of 7 and chapter 4 will be uploaded tomorrow. **

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><p><strong>War is never easy<strong>

**Chapter 3: Odd behaviour**

**Zoe**

Zoe had been surprised Sam had reappeared in pretty much the same manner she disappeared, quickly and with little fuss. One minute Dylan had been checking her patients on the board and the next she was standing in the same position staring at the monitor. Although if Zoe was honest with herself Sam appeared to be staring through the screen, rather than at the names and details on it.

It had been two hours since Sam had returned to the department and she had all but cleared every patient in cubicles by herself. Zoe couldn't help but feel scarily impressed with the steely determination Dr Nicholls was showing in dealing with everyone that crossed her path, but this was tinged with a level of concern over what the personal issue was that she was using work to distract herself from.

She approached Tess who appeared to be watching Sam with the same look of concern. "Sam's like a dynamo this afternoon isn't she?"

"I wouldn't disagree with you there," Tess commented. "I've sent Linda to work with her and just keep an eye on what she is doing, in case she misses something in all this speed. Something is definitely not right with her, she's behaving very oddly. Plus she's definitely been crying."

Zoe knew she wouldn't disagree with Tess there. Although Sam was outwardly going about her work like nothing had happened, there were obvious signs that this was not the case. Her eyes were reddened and slightly puffy, her face was pale and drawn and her whole demeanour gave off a feeling of sadness.

Tess continued, "All we can do is keep an eye on her for the rest of the shift. I think most people are staying out of her way to be honest though."

"Have you seen Dylan recently?" Zoe questioned, having realised with surprise that he had not been Sam's shadow since her return.

Tess shook her head and then looked down at the chart in her hands.

"I don't suppose you feel like taking this one do you? She is supposed to be Sam's patient, but there are all kinds of emotional issues going on here and I just think…." She trailed off without finishing the sentence.

Zoe looked back at Sam and then took the chart from Tess. "Yeah, I'll take it. Sam doesn't strike me as the type to do the weepy look lightly so I'd rather not make her feel any worse than she does already." She stopped and then started again, "On one condition though – that she never finds out we had this conversation."

"Agreed," Tess answered. "She is in cubicle 2", she added simply before walking away.

Zoe glanced down to read the chart and as she glanced back up she clocked Dylan approaching Sam, who was absentmindedly staring at some test results whilst chewing the end of her pen. He stood so close behind her that you couldn't see where he finished and she began.

Sam leant back ever so slightly so her back was resting against Dylan's chest, in a move that was so subtle Zoe could have been mistaken for thinking it had happened at all. For a moment it was as if she could see back in time to when Sam and Dylan were together, as they appeared to be having a conversation right in front of her eyes without even speaking a single word.

Zoe watched him whisper something into her ear and squeeze her hand for the briefest of seconds before they split apart and Sam again busied herself with yet another patient. As she herself went towards cubicle 2 she noticed that it wasn't just herself, Tess and Linda who appeared had noticed Sam's odd behaviour. It seemed like everyone from Scarlet and Lloyd to Lenny and Big Mac had all stopped to see that particular exchange between husband and wife.

Zoe couldn't help but feel that Sam would benefit from being more open to friendships with her work colleagues rather than seeing them as pure acquaintances. She obviously wasn't one for sharing personal information, not even with Dylan in this instance, but the amount of concern being shown for her after only a few hours showed the care this team had for all its members – Dr Nicholls and Dr Keogh included.

And whilst a little part of her had been hoping that that was one marriage that was not open to being saved, selfish as that may sound, right now her primary concern was that Sam opened up to someone about whatever was upsetting her.

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><p><strong>So you still don't have all the answers, but does anyone know what is going on? Reviews, as always, are very welcome!<strong>

**Next part will be up tomorrow x**


	4. The Staff Room

**Thank you again to all those who have reviewed, especially Anny, Meggi and Dee, plus everyone who added this story to their favourites or subscription lists. I will tell you some of you are pretty close in your guesses as to what is going on, but this isn't over yet - still another 3 more updates to go!**

**Here is chapter 4 of 7.**

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><p><strong>War is never easy<strong>

**Chapter 4: The Staff room**

**Dylan**

Dylan felt like he had been watching her for days and here he was still watching her as she collected her belongings from her locker at the end of her shift. It seemed to be taking her longer than normal to undertake the basic task of collecting her coat and bag, and he had briefly considered that she may be avoiding speaking to him. He had decided that he couldn't just let her leave without attempting to talk to her and at least offer support, even if she just rebuffed his attempts.

Ever since she had returned from her impromptu break she had looked very lost and her usual banter had been replaced by an air of quiet subdued disassociation. She had been treating patients like her entire life depended on it, but her distinct lack of interest in what was happening around her had caused him to question if she was actually mentally present in the department.

She would never know that he had checked every single one of her charts, discharge papers and prescriptions even though he knew that he didn't really have to. She had worked in far tougher conditions than Holby so was more than capable of working under immense pressure, but it had been reassuring to see that underneath this weird demeanour she was still capable of her medical responsibilities.

He had made a comment to her earlier, well a joke of sorts, about her treatment of patients today and she barely responded, even though it was the type of remark that in usual circumstances would have resulted in a snap, sarcastic response from her. It was a testament to how strange her behaviour had been that day that she had yet to come up with a witty retort or comeback.

The staff room was packed with people who had convened ten minutes earlier to celebrate one of the new nurse's birthdays. He thought her name was Scarlet, but he'd never been good at people and names. Nick Jordan and Charlie had both given a little speech and there had been cake, yet he just wanted them all to leave so he could speak to his wife.

The radio had been blaring out throughout the entire proceedings also, which was adding to the air of annoyance he was building up with the still present staff group. The music ceased for the six o clock news and as he stood there, still watching Dr Nicholls apparently staring into her locker for the foreseeable future, he saw her whole body stiffen.

At that very moment it hit him why she had been acting so differently since she received that call and from whom that very call may have been from.

"_The Ministry of Defence have named the British soldier who was killed in Afghanistan yesterday as army medic Major Connor Thomas. Thomas died following injuries sustained from an improvised explosive device whilst out on foot patrol in Helmand Province. Tommy, as he was known, was 38 years old and leaves behind a wife and two children. Today his comrades described him as a dedicated medic and soldier, who gave his life to save others in the battlefields of war and paid tribute to his strength of character."_

The sharp intake of breath that engulfed the room at that moment was overwhelming and it was at this point he realised that their colleagues were all either watching him or Dr Nicholls, waiting for one of them to do something. The noise from the radio ceased as someone, Zoe he thought, turned the machine off and the silence was so loud it was deafening.

Even from where he stood he could see his wife's shoulders were shaking, but as he approached her and pulled her round to face him he was confronted with rivers of tears streaming down her cheeks. The look of complete devastation across her face was awful to see and in that moment even he was blinking back the tears. He knew there was little comfort he could bring to her at the loss of her comrade, but he wrapped her into the tightest hug he could, placing his chin on her forehead and just holding her as she broke down completely.

This was the moment Dylan felt the all-encompassing relief of knowing that his Samantha was no longer putting herself at risk in a warzone and was safe in his arms. Almost at once this was replaced with a feeling of horror for being glad that this had happened to someone else, because he couldn't even begin to imagine how Tommy's wife and children would have taken this news. His own world began and ended with the woman currently sobbing into his shirt and the thought of a world without her in it was utterly incomprehensible.

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><p><strong>Okay, so maybe things are clearer now about the phone call? I hope so anyway. But that was only ever half of this story and there is still more to unravel. <strong>

**Reviews, as always, are very welcome!**

**Next part will be up tomorrow x**


	5. Peace Garden

**Thank you again to all those who have reviewed - from your comments I seem to have struck the right tone of emotion and heartbreak, which I am really pleased about. This update is a quite bit longer than the previous chapters but I hope it hits the right note.**

**(Oh and please note, the reference to Disneyworld is a joke I have borrowed from someone I care about who has served in Afghanistan and is not meant to be offensive. Just saying.)**

**Here is chapter 5 of 7.**

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><p><strong>War is never easy<strong>

**Chapter 5: Peace Garden**

**Zoe**

Zoe felt the cold air hit her face as she left the department, lit up a cigarette and came to rest against the wall. She knew something had been affecting Sam since that phone call but watching her younger colleague break down in Dylan's arms had been really distressing to watch.

The majority of their colleagues had departed as quickly as they could, obviously very uncomfortable at the private moment of grief they had become part of. Zoe had reassured Scarlet that they should still go to the pub as planned, but said that she herself would come down later. She had initially been optimistic that Dylan was going to take charge of the situation in the staffroom; however Sam had dismissed his concern as quickly as she had initially accepted it and Zoe had last seen him staring into space leaning against the kitchen cabinets, seemingly incapable of being any more supportive than he had been already. The only reason she knew Sam herself hadn't gone home was that her coat and bag were still hanging in her open locker but the medic herself appeared to have vanished from the department.

As she put out the cigarette and went to walk back inside she caught sight of Dr Nicholls sitting in the semi-darkness on the bench in the aptly named Peace Garden. A tiny part of her considered going back inside and leaving Sam to her thoughts, but despite this she made her way over towards her. She could see the tear-streaked glisten on the younger woman's cheeks and the familiar glazed over, unreadable expression Zoe recognised from watching people lose their family and friends in the ED on an almost daily basis.

When she approached the bench she sat down beside Sam, close enough to be what she hoped was a comforting presence but not so close as to startle her. It was at this point Zoe realised that she actually didn't know what to say next, which given her own acknowledgement of her plain speaking attitude was unusual for her. If this had been the relative or friend of a patient she would have given the usual platitudes and tried to offer some support, but Dr Nicholls was a whole different scenario.

"Sam," she started, "I'm sorry for your loss." She knew the words were inadequate even before they exited her mouth, but they were slightly preferable to the _"Are you ok?"_ she had been about to start with.

"Hazard of the job," Sam replied sadly, still staring into space.

"That can't make it any easier for you," Zoe stated after considering that statement momentarily. She accepted that people in the military would have to come to terms with the possibility of dying, but she didn't think that could make them any less human at facing up to it. She noticed that her words seemed to have had some impact on the woman sitting next to her as Sam brought her chin down to rest on her knees and finally relented from staring into middle distance by tilting her head and returning her gaze.

"War is never easy Zoe," Sam spoke slowly with tears brimming in her eyes. "And this, well this doesn't get better no matter how many times you go through it. This is always the hardest part, but this time…" she trailed off without finishing her sentence.

"This time you knew him? You knew him well?" Zoe continued questioningly, eliciting a small nod and a slight smile from Sam.

"We trained together," she replied quietly and from the faraway look in her eyes Zoe could tell she was remembering happier times. "He was my mentor on my first tour out there. Whenever things got rough, he'd be there to tease me and when I got homesick, he'd make sure I stayed focused and got the job done."

Zoe returned Sam's smile, noting the genuine affection in her colleague's voice for her friend. From the moment Dr Nicholls had arrived Zoe had been able to imagine the woman in the army, from how she presented herself to people to how she dealt with problems that arose at work. The thought of her being homesick was a completely different side to her, one that before today Zoe would have had trouble reconciling with how she normally saw Sam behave.

"Tommy used to joke that if Dylan knew how reckless I was out there, he would have killed me himself," Sam continued. "But when I was frightened, we'd talk about him and then Tommy would tell me stories about Alice and his girls. It was all ponies, ballet and pink things in his house, so we used to say he was my Barbie doll and I was his action man, living in our own hellish Disneyworld."

Zoe joined Sam in a spontaneous laugh as a result of the absurdity of that statement and she recognised the most genuine smile she had seen in her since the earlier phone call. However as quickly as it started the laughter ended and an uncomfortable silence filled the air.

"Did you ever talk to Dylan about what it was like out there?" Zoe asked. "You may or may not want to hear this anymore than I want to say it, but he obviously still cares about you." She noticed Sam staring at her intently, so continued. "I'm sorry Sam but I just don't get it. You two have this big emotional scene in the staffroom and then you scatter to opposite sides of the department without so much as speaking to each other. I know you aren't together anymore but your friend just died, so maybe – just maybe – you need his support."

Zoe thought that her comment might get a reaction, but she hadn't been anticipating the strength of feeling she would get in response as Sam's whole body tensed and her face filled with both anger and an emotion Zoe couldn't quite identify. She could tell she had managed to push some of Sam's buttons with her words, but she hoped that Dr Nicholls would forgive her when she realised it was with the best of intentions.

Sam stood up suddenly, even surprising Zoe with the speed and ferocity of her movement as she started to pace back and forward in front of the bench. And whilst her colleague began to speak, Zoe wasn't sure that what she was saying was entirely comprehensible, but given the very fiery look on her face she didn't feel it was appropriate to interrupt.

"How dare you pretend to care about my relationship with Dylan?" Sam began, with the anger clearly evident in her voice. "I mean, it's not like you want him for yourself or anything, is it? And what gives you the right to tell me how I should behave around my own husband for god's sake? Who the hell do you think you are?"

Zoe knew she couldn't actually answer her colleague's questions without either making the situation worse or lying to her face, but she also knew that her questions alone could not be responsible for the venom coming from Sam's mouth.

"If you knew anything about me and Dylan you'd know I can't talk to him about this. I wouldn't want to and I just can't. If he told you anything at all you'd know all about it. This. It. Everything. I just can't go there." She stopped for a second and although Zoe had begun to catch up with her trail of speech, she had to silently acknowledge that she had absolutely no idea what the younger woman was talking about.

"Do you want to know the worst part?" Sam asked, jolting Zoe back into the one-sided conversation. "I feel so guilty; I'm an army medic – a soldier. I need to be out there – what good am I here? I should be treating men who've been half blown up by a roadside bomb, not some sarcastic pregnant teenager with overprotective parents and an attitude problem to boot. Tommy was always there for me and I should have been there for him."

Zoe continued to watch Sam as she kept up her non-stop back and forth in front of the bench, still ranting away to herself, but her eye was caught by a figure striding towards them purposefully.

"And do you know why else I feel so guilty?" Sam added as Zoe zoned back into the tirade and responded by shaking her head. "I made Tommy a promise and I let him down. After the complete mess I made of everything I've let him down and he isn't even here for me to take it back. We always used to remind each other how lucky we were, because even out there in hell we knew we both had so much to get back home safely to."

Sam stopped moving as quickly as she had started, ending her pacing standing directly in front of Zoe, who could see from the look in her colleagues eyes that she was very close to breaking point all over again.

"I had everything back home and I threw it all away," Sam stated, her voice cracking slightly as she did so. "I messed everything up so much and I don't know how to fix it anymore."

Zoe heard her own voice intervene at this point, "Sam this isn't your fault. You can't be held responsible for what happened to someone thousands of miles away." However even though she thought Sam may have heard her, her icy expression didn't show that she had taken the comment on board.

"You don't understand," Sam argued, her voice almost at shouting volume. "It should be me that's dead, not him. We both had everything to live for, but I was the one that threw it all away. I hurt Tommy. I hurt Dylan. I screwed everything up and I let everyone down. I'm the one who threw it all away, so how is it fair that he is dead and I'm still here?"

Zoe felt the energy drain out of Sam as she finished and her heart went out to the exhausted and vulnerable young woman standing in front of her, knowing she wouldn't be able to give her a satisfactory answer to that question without upsetting her further. For the briefest of seconds they made eye contact once again before Sam turned on heel to walk away, crashing straight into her ex-husband as she did so.

And as Zoe watched the married couple standing face to face merely inches apart she could only hope that she had managed to push Sam far enough that maybe she would finally drop her objections and open up to her husband.

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><p><strong>Thank you again for reading. <strong>**Reviews are welcome - and very much appreciated. I'm not as sure about this chapter as I was the previous updates, but I just felt Sam (and Zoe) needed to go there for them both to be able to move on. The fuller picture will become much clearer in chapters 6 and 7, I promise!**

**The next chapter will be up tomorrow - only 2 more updates to go! x**


	6. Dark Days

**Thank you to every who has reviewed, especially Anny and Meggi for their support with this fic. I really do think Sam and Zoe need to have that kind of conversation at some point if they are both going to be around Dylan and I am glad from the feedback that the dialogue and emotions seemed appropriate. **

**_And to the reviewer who thought Sam's army medic experiences may be different to how I've written it - we currently know very little about what she went through out there, but if you search online for experiences of army medics (try Lance Corporal Michael 'Doc' McLouglin as a start) you will see that apart from the medics at main bases like Camp Bastian, the majority spend their time on or near the front line with combat regiments._ **

**Like the last chapter this update is a bit longer and a lot more vocal. **

**Here is chapter 6 of 7.**

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><p><strong>War is never easy<strong>

**Chapter 6: Dark Days**

**Dylan**

Dylan couldn't help but watch her as they sat on a bench in the park in near darkness. He had come out of the hospital to find her, having expected her to relent and return to the staffroom long before but instead found his wife rambling somewhat incoherently to Zoe as he approached. Despite the speed in which the words were tumbling from her mouth, the meaning behind them had been clear enough to him. She blamed herself for everything that had gone before and appeared to wish he was the one having to grieve over a lost spouse.

As always he had felt unable to put into words how grateful he was that she was still alive so instead he had bundled her freezing body into her coat and dragged her away from the hospital with the sole intention of taking her home. He knew he had barely acknowledged Zoe's presence in his haste but was aware that Nick Jordan was waiting inside to accompany her to the staff drinks at the pub.

Despite initially following the route to his wife's flat, a route he knew incredibly well having walked it with Dervla often enough when Samantha was on his mind late at night, the woman herself had led him to this park a few streets from the hospital. They had ended up sitting directly in front of a First and Second World War memorial, where through the darkness Dylan could see a small posy of white flowers at its base.

"This is where you came earlier," Dylan said aloud, more as a statement of fact than a question. "This is where you always come."

She turned her head to make eye contact before nodding and slowly responding, "I come running this way sometimes, it's a good place to just sit and get my head straight."

"Anything rather than actually talk to someone right?" he asked in reply, knowing that disappearing off into their own thoughts rather than actually discussing their emotions was something they were both expert at.

His ex-wife shrugged in response and they settled back into a comfortable silence for a while longer before she finally spoke. "The moment I heard someone had called for me I knew it would be bad, that someone out there would be dead. I mean it's not the first time I've heard that news, you know that."

Dylan did know that, as he could remember the look on her face when she had received similar calls before. However usually she would throw herself completely into work and pretend like she hadn't been affected by it, before crying in his arms in the privacy of their bedroom late at night. Never before had she walked out on a shift and then publicly broken down, but he had to acknowledge that this time had been different because Tommy wasn't just any other soldier or medic.

Whilst he was thinking, she had turned towards him on the bench and as their gaze met he felt overwhelmed by the sadness in her eyes and it was all he could do to resist scooping her into his arms.

"If I could take it back I would," she stated simply, the hopelessness of the situation evident in her tone. "There is nothing I wouldn't do to make this better, but I can't turn back time. I just wish there was something I could do that meant you wouldn't hate me anymore."

"I don't hate you," he shot back instantly, but not elaborating any further. A fact that he knew wouldn't be lost on her. Her behaviour had hurt him badly and devastated their already disintegrating marriage, but he knew he wasn't capable of hating this beautiful woman. "Just talk to me Samantha. I know we don't do that very well, but I want to understand what's going on in that head of yours."

It was almost as if he could see the cogs of her brain whirring round as he watched her take a deep breath and considered her thoughts.

"You know being out there isn't easy," she started slowly. "Spending six months on constant alert, waiting for someone to get killed, waiting to get shot at. It's what I signed up for; it's not like either of us didn't know I'd be heading out to Helmand before I signed up, but nothing can prepare you for actually being out there. Whenever I called home you always made out I was some kind of superhero, saving the army one solder at a time, but there were times when I was really frightened."

As she continued to speak, Dylan instinctively put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer into him. So close in fact that he could feel the warm breath on his neck as she spoke.

"On my last tour we had some bad days and I mean really bad. We got posted to an encampment close to an active combat zone and every day more and more young lads would be brought in with the most horrific injuries. Tommy and I got trapped at this base for two days and the others couldn't get back to get us out. I genuinely thought we were both going to die and there was nothing I could do."

Dylan felt his arm tighten around her automatically as she spoke but he felt unable to respond. Despite him talking to her via phone and email when she had been on her first tour, his wife had barely ever spoken about what life was like out there, preferring to refer to the whole experience as "being in Disneyworld" and talking about his life as a GP back home. The pattern of nightmares and disrupted sleep she had developed on her return had alerted him to the fact that she was damaged by her experiences out there for some time after, but then things between them had deteriorated and they stopped communicating in a meaningful enough way for him to get inside her head. This second tour sounded like it had been even worse than the first and he couldn't begin to imagine how she had been coping alone since her return.

He felt her stiffen slightly in his arms as she continued to speak, "When we stuck there, we made each other a promise. Forget the _"in case I die" _letter we'd all left back in England, we agreed that we would tell each other all the things we still hadn't been able to say to the people back here and then if only one of us made it, the other would make that call home on their behalf. When we got rescued Tommy said we should stick to the promise, because he couldn't tell Alice what he was really feeling without scaring her about how awful it was out there."

Dylan took a deep breath himself at that point before asking the question that was now hanging unanswered in the air, "So have you made that call yet?"

He knew her well enough to know she would shake her head before she even moved and when she spoke, her voice was again filled with emotion.

"When I left the hospital I went and got some flowers," she started, gesturing at the white posy on the ground. "And then I came straight here. I thought I would just sit here for a few minutes, get my head straight and then make the call but I couldn't bring myself to do it. How could I phone Alice? How I could I phone the girls and tell them about all the times their daddy talked about them? I'm a hypocrite, a liar and worst of all a coward. He only ever asked me for one thing and I can't even do that for him."

Dylan put his hand under her chin and tilted her face up towards him, noticing the moisture around her eyes glistening in the lamplight. "You aren't any of those things, no matter what you think," he stated, eliciting a shocked look from her in response. "You and Tommy had a connection and despite everything that happened you were the only person he trusted to phone his family if this horrible moment ever occurred. I'm not saying that it will be easy, but you have to do it. You know you do."

Her stunned expression said a lot about the strangeness of the situation they now found themselves in. The two of them had never been good at having the deep and meaningful conversations he heard other married couples had as a matter of routine, but they had always been able to communicate in their own way. He knew that somewhere after his wife returned from her first experience of war they stopped understanding each other and had allowed their relationship to fall apart.

Dylan knew that despite this failure they still shared a connection that survived despite neither of them being able to deal with the emotional issues that came with ending a marriage. This was enough for him to justify to himself why almost twelve months on from the day the only person he had ever loved had betrayed his trust by spending the night with her closest comrade, here he was encouraging her to call the same man's wife to reassure her of Tommy's unbroken love for her.

"If I call her…." His wife's voice punctuated the silence before tailing off.

"I'll be right here the whole time," he replied simply, giving her what he hoped was a comforting smile.

He watched as she pulled out her mobile from her coat pocket and scrolled through her phone book before coming to a number listed as "Tommy Home" before pressing call.

"Hello," she said after a few seconds. "Hello, is that Alice? It's Sam here, Major Sam Nicholls from your husband's regiment. I was wondering if I could talk to you?"

Dylan squeezed her closer to him as he listened to her start explaining Tommy's message to Alice. This was always going to be a difficult conversation, but he knew that Sam's inability to deal with her own feelings and her guilt over her betrayal of both him and Alice would make this a whole lot harder for her to bear.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading. Yes, in this version of events Sam did cheat on Dylan (his comment to her in "Death and Doughnuts" episode has led me to this conclusion), which may not be a popular decision - but please bear with it because more explanation will be offered in the next (and final!) chapter. <strong>

**The next chapter will be up tomorrow - I can't believe this is nearly over! x**

**I'm thinking about doing this again next week with another fic - I must be mad!**


	7. We Used To Talk

**Firstly I would like to start by thanking every single person who has reviewed this story, or added it to their favourites or alerts. All the comments have been really welcomed and I have really appreciated the feedback. A special thanks goes out to Anny, Meggi, Megan and Dee for their support throughout this week. I don't think I had any idea until this week quite how much work would be involved in writing a fic to update daily for 7 days, but I have loved every second of the process!**

**This chapter is even longer than those that have gone before, but that is because I felt everything here needed to be said.**

**So for the last time, here is chapter 7 of 7. **

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><p><strong>War is never easy<strong>

**Chapter 7: We used to talk**

**Sam**

As they walked silently side by side Sam blinked furiously to try and stop the tears from yet again falling down her cheeks. She had never cried so much as she had today, well except for the day when she had told Dylan the truth about her and Tommy, but she classed those as a different kind of tears.

Speaking to Alice earlier had been one of the most difficult conversations she had ever had to have, but she hoped her words had provided the reassurance and comfort to Tommy's wife that he had intended them to bring. Sam had arranged to meet her and her daughters in Carterton on the day of Tommy's repatriation, with Alice having made the decision that Georgia and Chloe were old enough to hear their daddy's thoughts directly from Sam herself.

That was a conversation she definitely wasn't looking forward to. Tommy had always been so passionate in talking about his girls and how proud he was of them, and whilst she had always known it could one day come down to her to deliver his message she had never thought about the practicalities of actually having to do so. Tommy had wanted her to tell his "little princesses" as he called them that he would be the brightest star shining down on them and even when a stormy night made it hard to see him, he would still be there beyond the cloudy sky watching over and protecting them.

She remembered that Tommy always did have a way with words, which made her pity him somewhat for choosing someone who felt unable to communicate with anyone most of the time to deliver these to those that mattered to him the most. She could only hope she would do him justice when the time came.

"I'll come with you," Dylan stated, his voice punctuating her trail of thought. She knew a slightly puzzled look must have crossed her face when she looked round at him, as he continued to clarify. "To Carterton. I'll come with you to Carterton."

"I can't ask you to do that," she replied, stunned that he would even consider accompanying her given the circumstances.

"You didn't ask me to," he stated as a matter of fact with a determined edge to his voice. "But that doesn't mean I'm not coming."

Notwithstanding the fact that Mr Jordan probably wouldn't be impressed to have two of his doctors absent from the department at the same time, Sam couldn't help but feel comforted herself by his offer to accompany her. Although why he would want to, given the situation they found themselves in, she wasn't quite sure.

"Alice doesn't know anything about you and Tommy does she?" he queried and the only response Sam could think of was to shake her head.

"So why did you tell me?" he asked pointedly. "He's dead and even I am not insensitive enough to tell her now, but she has spent the past twelve months living in oblivious naivety whilst our marriage was blown apart."

Sam considered this for a few moments before even attempting to formulate an answer to that question. She had insisted Tommy had kept their brief fling hidden from his wife, not wanting to be responsible for breaking up his children's happy home. They had put their brief intimate encounter behind them and she refused to let him accept responsibility for a fling she had initiated. She knew her confession had hurt Dylan more than he would ever reveal and she had seen the mixture of confusion, anger and sadness in his eyes when they had first met again at the hospital. There were so many things she wanted to say, but they just sounded like excuses she was not prepared to use to explain away cheating on her husband.

Dylan stopped walking and pulled her round to face him, stating "I know living with me wasn't easy and we were barely talking when you left…"

"Don't you dare blame yourself," Sam all but shouted, cutting him off before he could finish his sentence. "I'm the one who tore us apart." She knew other people might look at Dylan and think he would be a nightmare to live with, but when you loved someone you could look past their flaws. Their marriage had never been hearts and flowers or all that caring and sharing stuff, but they had made it work for a time. Before she had left he had been caught up in his own issues, but as usual had shut her out. When she'd gotten the date for her second tour of duty he had barely even acknowledged her impending departure and rather than sleeping with him, sharing a bed became like sleeping next to a stranger.

"Do you remember when we met it took me six months to even convince you to go on a real date with me?" she queried. "Six whole months and then I threw it all away on one stupid moment with someone else."

"I never wanted you to leave," Dylan responded sadly. "With everything going on with that complaint I wanted you to be there but I knew you had commitments to the army. It would have been selfish to make you choose between me and your tour."

"Dylan," she said softly, her hand reaching up to his face. "I know it doesn't mean much now, but I would have chosen you every time. I would have found a way to stay, but I thought you wanted me to leave." She took a deep breath and shoved both her hands down into her pockets, mentally preparing herself to finally tell him the truth. "That day Tommy and I were in a convoy moving between bases when one of the vehicles hit a roadside bomb," she stated, closing her eyes to remember more clearly – not that the memories of that day, or any other in Afghanistan, were ever far from her mind. "I've never seen carnage like it and even with all our medical training there was absolutely nothing we could do. Two men died there that day and I felt so incredibly useless."

Sam could feel her fists clenching in her pockets and her face tighten as she continued to speak. She had made herself a promise that she would never talk about the horrors of that day, but in that moment she knew the only way to give Dylan the answers he desperately deserved was to delve into memories she had long since buried.

"When we got back to base later than night my first instinct was to call you. I hadn't phoned you in weeks, but in that moment all I needed was to hear your voice. But when I dialled the number I got a recorded message to state that the line had been cut off."

Sam couldn't bear to open her eyes to look at him, as it must have become apparent where she was heading with her recollection. "I thought you'd just moved away and left me," she stated, her tone subdued. "When I flew out I suspected you might not be there when I returned, but I still thought we had a fighting chance until that moment. I felt like the whole world had just tipped on its head and all I wanted was to get on the first plane back to England to find you. I found Tommy sitting by himself in a dormitory, trying to get his head together enough to phone home and I just took it all out on him. I was screaming at him and he was shouting back, then all of a sudden we were together."

Sam finally plucked up the courage to open her eyes and meet her husband's gaze, "It was almost over before it started, just a rush of emotion, passion and comfort, but afterwards I have never felt so lonely. I barely slept that night because I kept seeing your face in the darkness, so the next morning I was up early enough to get online before we needed to head out." She stopped, having to almost physically force herself to continue speaking. "In my inbox was an email from you, dated about a week before, telling me that the complaint against you had been resolved so you were moving to take up a GP post in Holby. You said you'd bought a houseboat for you, me and Dervla to share, so you'd had the landline cut off. You said you'd finally relented and bought a mobile phone so I could still get hold of you when I was ready to talk. You said you were sorry. You said you still loved me."

The look on Dylan's face was an unreadable stare, but Sam knew that now she had started this story she needed to finish it.

"I thought I was going to be sick and I think I must have been on autopilot when I called you. There was this loud voice inside my head screaming at me to keep it a secret, but I have never been able to lie to you. I'd betrayed you, I broke our vows, I had to let you go. You deserved a chance to be happy."

"You didn't let me go though, did you?" Dylan questioned, his voice raised accusingly. "The moment you came back you followed me here."

Sam shrugged her shoulders, not really knowing how to put her reasons for that decision into a coherent form. "I said I had to let you go, not that I wanted to. I never wanted to be this selfish, but I couldn't bear not to be part of your life anymore."

Dylan turned away from her and continued down the dimly lit street. Sam hadn't realised how hard it would be to watch him walk away after she finally explained her version of events. Whilst she knew beyond all doubt that she was completely at fault for what had happened, part of her had hoped he would offer her an opportunity of redemption rather than merely walk away.

"I don't blame you," Dylan's voice interrupted the quiet of the night, causing Sam to follow after him at some speed to catch up. "I don't hate you either. I can't forget what you did, but you made a mistake and I can't hold it against you forever."

Sam felt a wave of emotion hit her that was so strong she was surprised she stayed upright. She had spent the past year convincing herself that her husband was not only better off without her, but that he had forgotten how deep their connection had gone. She knew now from the grudging acceptance in his voice that in trying to both protect him and set him free of her, all she had succeeded in doing was tying them together in a limbo that she hoped they could now begin to move forwards from.

She got the feeling that Dylan still had unanswered questions, but given how emotional and intense the evening had already been she didn't want to push him any further. He had never been too keen on opening up and sharing his thoughts with her, so she recognised that their conversations since work ended must have all but drained his energy.

"Would Tommy have phoned if it had been you?" he asked quietly, surprising her with the directness of the question.

"Yes," she replied simply, knowing full well he had the right to ask what would have happened if she had been the one to die today. "He was the one person out there I ever really opened up to. If anyone was going to call with my last message it was only ever going to be him." She paused for a second, before continuing earnestly; "I know it might seem insensitive to have asked him, but you aren't exactly known for being good with people and despite what happened if you were going to hear that message, I didn't want it to be from someone you hadn't even met."

She glanced over to Dylan and was surprised to see him staring at her intently. From the look on his face she could almost see the cogs whirring in his brain as he tried to form a question.

"I would still have been your call then?" he finally asked, causing the tears to start brimming in her eyes yet again.

"The fact that you even have to ask that," she responded, "makes me realise how badly I screwed everything up. You will always be my call Dylan, no question. I know I have no right to say I'm your wife anymore, but no amount of legal papers and courts can take away the fact that you will always be my husband. That I'll always still love you" She paused as her voice cracked and shook her head sadly. "I can't imagine ever wanting to leave a last message for anyone else."

She broke his gaze to wipe her eyes and when she looked around she realised they had arrived outside her flat. She couldn't believe it was only this morning that she was last here because it felt more like days than hours. Dylan moved to lean back against the wall outside her property and she repositioned herself in front of him.

"I wish you'd told me all this a year ago," Dylan stated and Sam couldn't help but nod in agreement.

"God Dylan, when did we stop talking?" she asked. "We used to talk all the time."

"Did we?" he replied, with that daft half smile of his lighting up his face.

"Okay, maybe we didn't exactly talk," Sam acknowledged. Talking had never been their strong point, but somehow they had played to their own strengths and found ways to communicate that didn't always need words. "We used to know each other."

"I still know you," he shot back without hesitation. "I'll always know you."

Sam realised that she was standing so close to him that she could practically hear his heart beating and she felt his fingers intertwine with hers at their sides. She leant forward, meeting his forehead with her own and for a minute they stood together in silence, just taking in the emotion of the moment.

"I thought we didn't do this anymore," Sam whispered to him. "I've missed it."

She noticed he didn't respond instantly and unlinked his hands from hers. She closed her eyes, not wanting to see the look in his eyes if he was regretting this unguarded moment.

"I guess there are some things we will always do," he finally replied, moving to absentmindedly run his fingers through her long hair, something he had done a thousand other nights when they had been together.

"Goodnight Mrs Keogh," he spoke softly, so softly in fact that if he hadn't used her name she didn't think she would have heard him. To her colleagues both in Holby and the army she was Sam Nicholls but she knew she would always be Mrs Keogh in her heart.

"Goodnight Grumpy," was her response, knowing that her much used nickname for him was almost guaranteed to raise a smile from him in response and to her delight she wasn't disappointed.

She felt his hands drop from her hair as he stood up from the wall. Their hands met briefly as they made eye contact, Sam realising that her husband could say more with a fleeting touch of his fingers in the palm of her hand than he could with the thousands of words he used day in, day out. Not quite a hand hold, but a flicker of something that reminded her of the closeness they once shared.

As she walked up the path, found her keys and unlocked the front door she considered the position they were now in. It had been one very long and hellish day and tomorrow she would again be faced with the enormity of losing Tommy. However before today she had thought her relationship with Dylan was irreparably damaged, but now that they had both had the opportunity to be honest with each other she felt they could start to move forward. Sam couldn't say with any certainty where they stood at that moment, whether they would rebuild their relationship or agree how to end their marriage, but she could see they now had a foundation to start making decisions on their future.

She turned to wave Dylan off from where he was waiting on the pavement.

"See you tomorrow Samantha," he stated simply.

"Yes you will," she replied, knowing she would see him the next day, the day after that and every day following for a long time to come. As she shut the door behind her, she couldn't help but feel that even if they couldn't be anything else to each other her and her husband now appeared to be friends. And for now at least, she would be content with that.

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><p><strong>The End.<strong>

**Wow. Can't believe it is actually finished. I hope the ending wasn't too ambiguous for those who wanted everything tied up, but I didn't think Sam and Dylan's marriage could be completely fixed in 1 day! **

**Reviews as always are welcome, including any constructive criticism on the structure and storytelling - it has been a long time since I wrote anything this long, so feedback is more than definitely welcome.**

**Thank you once again for reading and your kind words throughout.  
>Now lets see if I can do this all over again next week!<strong>

**Callie x**


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